intricate thoughts

Today was one of those days where you just wish that it would end right from the beginning and that you could just fast forward. Gosh i hate what todays day represents to me ..

In case anyone cared to know … On March 3, 2004 was the last time i saw the first person I considered a ‘second’ mother alive … It was terrible I had just got the news that she was in the hospital and at this point I didn’t even know what it was for. I had went with my friend Timmika Q. to go see her mother in the hospital but I didn’t know it would be the last time I saw her … I was told she was asking for me before … when she could actually talk but … by the time i got to see her she couldn’t talk and she couldn’t see me either … It was the worst experience of my life ..

I remember walking into the hospital and I didn’t feel scared or anything .. i JUST felt sort of weird about it … Most of the family was already there & I THOUGHT I was okay that i could be strong .. But I was so wrong … The first thing they told me before I went in was that she could hear but she couldn’t see so to try not to cry because she would hear it ..

So Timmika & I … we walk in the room & … I see her … but i truly in my heart was not prepared by what I saw .. she had all these tubes in her .. in her nose .. in her arms .. everything .. and she looked sooo freakin’ sick … and i couldn’t understand it .. And I remember Timmika saying mommy guess who’s here to see you … Karina’s here .. and i swallowed so hard & i said hey mommy .. I miss you .. && I couldn’t say anything else .. i was scared to talk as if talking would somehow take her away from me .. that’s how I felt so I stood quiet . & Timmika started talking to her .. telling her I was in school doing well && I had a boyfriend name Blue .. LOL smh * … And then her mom started to cry while she was talking and I couldn’t do it .. I broke down … & Timmika broke down .. && Timmikas grandmother came into the room & told her moms we had to go && so we said goodbye .. and from there i should have known .. We NEVER said goodbye to her .. everytime we did in the past she yelled at us saying goodbye meant we’d never say it again but we said it .. & two days later she died =[

I miss her SO much … I think about her often … & i ALWAYS regret not saying more than what I said that day .. but it was so hard .. Losing someone that close to you … it really damages you forever .. I wish that time healed the pain but it doesn’t i ALWAYS get depressed around this time of year .. The last time i seen her face March 3 .. Her death March 5th and her Burial March 10th </3 ; I JUST want March to be over with ..

Blah ; so yesterday i had some weird dreams, right? I had a dream first that i hit someone and about four of their front teeth fell out … then i had a dream a friend of mine .. an “OLD” friend of mine got into a fight & got badly injured …  & the last dream I had was one about my grandfather dying .. & i was at his funeral .. thing is i never met my grandfather .. i’ve spoken to him but i didn’t meet him .. except in my dream i was really hurt about his death ..

i hate dreaming stuff before it actually happens .. i don’t really remember my dreams often but when I do i remember them for a reason .. now the “OLD” friend from my second dream .. well his friend committed suicide & kind of like my dream it hurts him .. & he’s ‘injured’ if you will .. & it brought back these memories of when my uncle committed suicide & i can only imagine the pain in his heart ; … and what he is going through .. when my uncle did it & until this very day I blame myself I still feel like there were signs that i missed & something that i could have said .. or should have said .. i can only imagine what he must be feeling … It’s been a few months .. & the pain hasn’t ceased I do try to push it into the back of my mind thinking that would make shit better but blah it doesn’t ..

i truly believe suicide is the hardest type of death to deal with … you’re always left with unanswered questions & from experience it hurts longer and more than most deaths .. i just needed to vent ; i hope that my ‘friend’ is alright & yeah ;

i misss you uncle D <3 :[

i need followers.

& i L0VE the days when i feel good enough to dance around my room in my underwear, sing with my brush in front of the mirror & have no worries, no fears, no negativity in my life. I did that today for the first time in what seemed like forever & it felt A-M-A-Z-I-N-G!